Fresh Meat!

Fresh Meat R*n

Date: Saturday, September 8th 2012

Hares: Princess Fiona, G2S, Drug Peddlar

Location: Forest reserve

Hash Number: 1685

Attendance: 57

As the weather hots up in Lusaka, so does the Hash! What a great attendance for Princess Fiona’s final hash (for a while) and the ANNUAL Fresh Meat R*n. Mismanagement watched in glee as newcomers arrived, fresh-faced, driving straight through the circle – we knew it was going to be a good day!

Barrel Boy, as acting HM, did a great job of introducing the theory of Hashing, and by the end of his ramblings, no-one had run for the hills- result! There was surprisingly a fair bit of confusion as the pack set off a-pace and found the trail. We arrived swiftly at the first HashHold, and Chris had a minor heart attack. Ignoring him, we soon moved off again, Fruitcake leading the way (and getting set upon by a pack of dogs in the process).

Crossing the power lines again, Bin Breedin’ sent everyone off on a wild goose chase after a rfalse call of ‘cut back’ – shame! The trail then dragged on for ages, the runners flew and hobbled past the walkers to the old church, then down the hill. A quick cut through some bush and everyone made it back safely (we think).

Beer was welcomed warmly on return to base and we settled down for a final dreadful circle with RA Princess Fiona. Barrel Boy enticed Aged Lothario and Knee Trembler in first to mark the r*n. Aged Lothario gave the walk 10/10, in spite of Tripod’s inane gossip. Knee Trembler gave the r*n an unheard of 118/2, because it did have everything – chalk, runners, kids peeing, the lot!

The Fresh Meat leapt into the circle next. We were delighted to welcome hiring and firing Kate from Minnesota, bemused Brian from Long Island, coming-of-her-own-free-will Kath, Latino hottie Ray, sleepless Sarah from Seattle, Deanna off of USAID, Airtel-Indian Amrit, Californian Chris (having survived the heart attack) and lawful Akatama. Kenny and Knee Trembler were welcomed back to the fold before we got onto the main business of the day.

First up for crimes contravening Hash driving laws were Chris and Daddy’s Boy. They were followed by, hang on, Daddy’s Boy again, for tumbling. Whipping Boy might be more apt… Fruitcake took his turn, inevitably, for doggy-style antics. Then the first triple came for Squits, Scooby Do and Kenny for short-cutting the walk. It really wasn’t that far!

Bo, Cupid and Barrel Boy were mocked for their choice of new footwear and newbies Chris and Ashley were honoured in the standard fashion. Batman was celebrated for living up to his Hash name by catching a thief earlier on in the week (the police lived up to theirs by releasing him as they had no ZESCO). And finally it came to our attention there was a football match on; Squits, Twiggy, Kenny, Shopaholic and Matoke wore their true colours and toasted to fair play!

Despite the doggy sex in the circle, the show had to go on. Batman announced his exhibitionism (not really news) before we said bugger off to Princess Fiona, stand-in RA and occasional HashTrash. There were tears as he received a new free T-shirt before we held our breath to discover… who would be Hash Sh*t? Cupid suffered a brief nervous moment for her crime of cuddling up to B.O. (or is it Bo?), before the inevitable occurred. Princess Fiona stripped, tried and failed to drown the potty and gloried in the Hash Sh*t award.

On on!

Picture special - New Kasama hash

Déjà vu – again!

Date: Saturday, September 1st, 2012.

Hares: Orca, Polar Bear and Dreadful.

Location: Enoch Kavindele’s land, New Kasama.

Hash Number: 1684.

Attendance: 31.

As we stood around waiting for latecomers at this week’s hash, it was almost impossible not to start pontificating about nature and the spectacular scenery (including and in particular the caravan with no wheels). Luckily any poetic tendencies were halted with the beginning of the run.

The run appeared to start off well and we skirted the edge of a hill, leaves crunching underfoot. However, it wasn’t long before it all, inevitably, went wrong. The pack lost the trail, the hares lost the plot, but at the top of a gigantic hill we found the first hash hold –result! Orca duly informed us that this was not OUR hash hold and sent us off on a classic Orca loop to stumble over stones and boulders. We reached another hash hold, oh no, in fact, it was the same one! Deja-vu, again remarked Bin Dealin! Confusion reigned as Swedish led us all astray and Dreadful got a wee bit confused about his trail. Luckily, Drug Peddlar and Erin were at hand to get us back on the right track and back to base.

Mosi overflowed as we circled up. Condom Man gave the run 2/10 for awfulness but 15/10 for the location, resulting in an overall score of 17 ½ /20: Very respectable. Golden Shower dubbed the walk ‘the best walking trail ever’, but that might have had something to do with Polar Bear’s threatening looks in his direction! We were then all very privileged to meet our one newcomer this week – Not Floppy (look at the ear!). She may have been called Aila.  Cue some animal abuse with water poured all over the dog and a few terrible jokes (What do you have on the top of a house? Ruff!): Terrible, Condom Man.

Unfortunately, Princess Fiona was back in the middle as RA. Golden Shower took the first down-down for a lovely English rugby shirt marred by the fact it was worn by a South African. Cockney-Zambian Sipho (returning after a long stint in London) obviously had too much time in the grey drizzle and chills of the UK – hopefully his down-down helped to cool him down after he complained about the heat!

Condom Man and G2S had their dirty secret outed – yes, they had bought new shoes fairly recently, but had been too chicken to wear them to the hash. Then the Zambian ladies (Single Shot, Money Shot, Polar Bear, Orca and Twiggy) revealed their not-so-well-kept phobia of rubber snakes - pretty scary.

Tripod was penalised for enjoying the fact his family had buggered off again – family man, indeed! It may have been at this point that Not Floppy got a bit enthusiastic about chasing off small children with her ferocious barks (or maybe that was Purple Bush).

Sugamamma and Daddy’s Boy enjoyed their moment in the circle for a lack of hash attire, AND claiming to have been too busy for the past 3 months to attend the hash. There really is not that much to do in Lusaka! The stretchers – Swedish and Bin Dealin’ showed off their poses in the circle and a triple was called for – who else could make the Swedish triple but Blow Job?!

No really important announcements led us directly on to Hash Sh*t. Golden Shower clearly thought it was ok to try to pull off the ‘Bradley Wiggins’ look with his ginger mutton chops and England attire. Sorry, it’s not! The shirt came off, the gentlemen gawped and we got stuck in to the rest of the Mosi.

On on! G2S

Fresh Meat run this Saturday - come one, come all!

A small but perfectly formed pack last week as a few regulars managed to miss what was a great run. The venue was one of may favourites - part of the fast disappearing parts of the forest at the back of New Kasama and it didn’t disappoint with a meandering trail through beautiful Miombo woodland with Brachystegia pods crunching underfoot and popping overhead.
This week’s R*n: This week we will be having our annual Fresh Meat R*n. This is designed to encourage newcomers to come along to the hash and as such anybody who has never r*n (or walked with LH3 will get (for this week only!) a free r*n. So - all of you who signed up to the e-mail in a fit of new to Lusaka enthusiasm which you haven’t followed through by actually attending - here’s your chance to do so. Why not have a go? Contrary to popular myth - we don’t bite and you never know - you might actually enjoy getting out of town at the weekend, meeting some new people, having a bit of gentle exercise followed by a cold beer in convivial, welcoming company. Regulars - why not drag along those friends and colleagues who have always been promising to join you but never quite made it?
Date: 8th September 2012 
R*n number: 1684 
Time: 15.00 
Hares: Princess Fiona, Goodison 2 Shoes and Drug Peddler
Location: Forest Reserve - State Lodge Road
Directions: Down Leopards Hill Road and after the barrier turn LEFT onto State Lodge Road. Go down State Lodge Road for 700m and then turn LEFT onto a dirt road. Keep going down this dirt road go under the power lines and look for a arrows in white chalk indicating turn off to the left.


On-on! Condom Man.

Picture special - Unza and Chez Purple Bush hashes

The students are revolting!

Date: Saturday, August 25^th 2012.

Hares: Boy Blue and Matoke.

Location: UNZA (somewhere underneath the rubbish we presume).

Hash Number: 1683.

Attendance: 43.

The Hash was delighted to be back at UNZA once more to find it pretty much unchanged and untidied since the last time! Students enjoying a peaceful spot under the trees were quickly charged off, and presumably went back to revolting.

The r*n got off to a confused start, as wily Boy Blue had clearly seen the ‘just follow the Hare’ technique and deliberately led us all astray. Orca seemed personally affronted that the route was different to previous escapades, but she cheerfully and quietly ran on anyway. We leapt over rubbish heaps trying to find the trail, and eventually it lead us through some lovely reeds. Best not to know what was underneath there! We passed by a rowdy party (it was here that we lost Dreadful for some time, along with Sean and Jinny, although they later blamed it on the kids), and continued to admire Africa’s number one learning establishment.

We reached our first Hash Hold after daring antics tight-rope walking across a pipe and continued to swim though the rubbish, and at the second Hold we checked out the reds vs blues game (obviously the blues were winning). Going was bumpy but we arrived at the scenic part of the run: Arcades! The final stretch through the trees was shady and pleasant but somewhat marred by the fact that Boy Blue obviously left his dirty socks from setting the r*n in the forest.

Teetering over the stepping stones, we followed the on-in to our cars (still there, hurrah!) and got stuck into the Mosi. In the circle we discovered many interesting facts about Boy Blue such as…. errrrr, nevermind. Simon from Manchester marked the run ‘rubbish!’ and rather harshly gave 8/15. Barrel Boy gave a much more valid 9.1. We welcomed newcomers April from Texas, yee-hah, Blow Job from Sweden (a friend of Condom Man’s of course), Swedish from Botswana and Alison, also from Texas.

Happily for everyone we had a much better RA than usual, in the form of G2S (yup, I am the one writing this)! Yes, finally PF’s Everton loyalty overcame his love for the Hash. However this kicked off the first down-downs for the mighty Blues’ unsuccessful opponents, Simon and Tripod.

Look if you Like, Hazards and Swedish were brought in for a luminous triple due to their ‘eye-catching’ attire. They were followed by April with her Full Monty stripper trousers, and Moby Dick with some fetching body jewellery – certainly improper clothing on the Hash!

Improper behaviour was next on the cards, with the shortcutters, Money Launderer, Sugababe,  Condom Man and Rob all earning a down-down. They were followed by Alison, who went on safari and forgot her camera, and Doggy Style, who had forgotten a child. The final punishment deservedly went to Mr Bizarre, who thought that when ‘HASH HOLD’ was being called, it was his name, Arsehole, instead!

The announcers made a big push for the Fresh Meat r*n on 8^th September before we got on to the main business: Hash Sh*t. There really was no question at all after we found out that Money Launderer had been asked to provide rubbish bins for UNZA and had refuse-d. Well done, Money Launderer!

On on! G2S

Calling all fresh meat!

September is soon upon us and what better way to celebrate than to bring some newbies to the h*sh? On Saturday, September 8, Lusaka Hash House Harriers wants to welcome as many new faces to the hash as it can.

We've all confused friends and family members with talk of this hashing lark, with most of us having to explain in quick succession that it doesn't involve smoking dope! Most people raise their eyebrows and look a little confused as we go on to explain that we're a drinking club with a running problem!

And the run on the 8th is the perfect opportunity to call up so-called friends, family and colleagues and get them to come and experience their first ever hash. Let's face it - there's really sod all else to do on a Saturday afternoon in Lusaka, it's just not everyone has realised it yet!

All newbies are exempt from run fees and we'll try our hardest not to humiliate anyone too much! Plus, there'll be a prize for the hasher who brings along the most fresh meat (N.B - competition excludes anyone Orca brings along - Sorry Orca).

The trail will be a forest reserve classic and there'll be a walking route, too. We hope you'll bring plenty of newbies for us all to destroy, sorry, enjoy.

On-on, you horrible lot. Princess Fiona. 

Back to the forest reserve

Next week’s r*n is back to a beautiful part of the forest reserve over the back of New Kasama.

Date: 1st September 2012
R*n number: 1683
Time: 15.00

Hares: Twiggy, Dreadful and Titilator
Location: Forest Reserve - back of New Kasama
Directions: Down Leopards Hill Road and turn LEFT just after you see the OG Gym on the right. This turn should be marked. Go down this good dirt road and then turn first major LEFT onto another dirt road. After a km or so turn RIGHT then look for turn off on the LEFT, up a slope and turn RIGHT at the top of the slope. It sounds complicated but it isn’t really - follow your nose! All turns should be marked in chalk.

 

Condom Man.

Blimey, we're back at last!

Date: Saturday, August 18^th 2012

Hares: Purple Bush and Titus.

Location: Chez Hares.

Hash Number: 1681

Attendance: 30ish

Following Team GB’s excellent performance in the equestrian events at the Olympics, this week’s run had a decidedly horsey theme (although Princess Anne was not available) with plenty of foalin’ around!

We had a lovely location, thanks to our Hares and as we arrived we noticed horses munching happily in the field and Floppy doing an impression of a guard dog, until the peaceful ambience was destroyed by the arrival of Condom Man as he took down a tree on his way to the car park.

After a brief warning about some ups and downs we set off around the car park. Some time passed before Titilator found the scent and was off at pace. As with any good national hunt race, there were a few fences to negotiate on the way round. Luckily the Hash took the shetland pony route under and through, rather than attempting any Red Rum style leaps. Much excitement ensued and Hashers were totally fooled at the checks until Orca realised it was not the same run as last year, BUT the same as the year before that! The pace decreased to a gentle trot as we crested a hill to a field full of zebras! Yup, black and white horses on the Hash. Buju must have been pre-warned as he came in camouflage. Following the inevitable zebra ‘jokes’*, we zebra-crossed over the road and onto the home stretch, picking up the Zambian children’s running squad. Although luckily most of us were more fortunate than Sean and Jilly who literally had their hard-core sprinters to pick up!

Arriving back at the perfectly manicured winner’s enclosure, miraculously a circle was formed sans chalk. Is this a Hash record?? Purple Bush and Titus were congratulated by Polar Bear for a very good walk (10/12), Barrel Boy eloquently concurred. Bin Dealin’ said the runwas excellent, as it had been 2 years previously and gave it 994/1000, the same as last time. And Buju, in his zebra fatigues, commended the marking of the trail, which must have been excellent for him to see it from the house!

Several newcomers were welcomed warmly, including Gertrude in real estate, Cipho (unemployed in London), Tony Weller, American beer connoisseur, Grimsby from Perry, Churchill the bulldog and Simon (also unemployed). We also greet ed returners Bridget, Matakos and Twiggy. Hurrah!

The first of the down-downs went to the tumblers, Laura and Condom Man (note to Hashers: don’t tell Hash Trash if you fall over, it will certainly be punished, Laura!). Moby Dick arrived just in time to model some very responsible drinking in a fancy new jacket. Hash hero is a big title to award; this week there were three smaller Hashettes who ran the distance: Sierra, Jessica and Anna, well done!

Simon and Cipho represented Team GB, alongside Winston (Churchill, obviously), for an Olympic down-down. Condom Man and Princess Fiona were then punished for their horrendous driving (see earlier and later mentions for details). Purple Bush’s chalk-free lawn, which had been much admired, earned her a beer and we rounded up the circle with a reminder to avoid places where people are smashing stuff in the streets from Boy Blue.

Finally, we got to the naming of Miss Laura Street. Was it Easy Street? No, too easy! Letsby Avenue? Of course it was!

There was only one choice for Hash Sh*t this week. Following a miraculous problem free holiday with the Rav-4, Princess Fiona put the poor thing into a ditch. The jockey remained uninjured until he went home and told G2S. Deserved Hash Sh*t this week!

Finally, many thanks to Titus and Purple Bush for excellent bar work post-Hash!

On on! Goodison Two Shoes.

 *There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited to see this huge space with green grass and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi! I'm a zebra, what are you?"

"I'm a cow" said the cow.

"Right, and what do you do?" asked the zebra.

"I make milk for the farmer" said the cow.

"Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra, what are you?"

"I'm a chicken," said the chicken.

"Oh, right, what do you do?" asked the zebra.

"I make eggs for the farmer." said the chicken.

"Right - o, great, see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra, what are you?"

"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.

"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"

"Take off your pyjamas darling, and I'll show you."