Date: Saturday January 7th.
Hares: Orca, Nipples and Polar Bear.
Location: Somewhere off Leopard’s Hill Rd, near Adventure
City.
Hash Number: 1650
The first Saturday hash of January got off to a slightly
damp start with a cloud burst and plenty
of newcomers – namely Mooka and Tandy from “dahn sarf” in Livingstone, the
Family Emerich with their oxygen thief Zander, of LICS (no, it’s not a titty
bar), Daisy, Claire, “Spice Girl”, “Space Man”, Francis, Chris and Duracell –
and plenty of returners in the form of Child Abuse, Sweet FA, Tummy, Titbits,
Broken Hill, Evelyn and Mafuta.
Orca proclaimed the
length to be “a short one” (snigger, snigger), completely neglecting to mention
the fact there was a bloody big hill in the way! Soon the walkers, led by
Nipples, were off, perambulating their way through someone’s back garden, while
the runners were held by cries of “titty check” and “this one’s for the
titties”. Hmmmm.
Locals looked on in bemusement as the runners gurned,
sweated and swore their way up the first incline, led astray by several checks.
Indeed, by the top of the first incline, Princess Fiona felt like he’d coughed
up an ashtray and sweated out a month’s worth of African lager… which he had.
As
per usual, Bo Pip led the way, bouncing from one chalk pile to another, while
the rest of the pack followed.
The walkers soon lost their guide (Polar Bear) as flower
picking was deemed to be a top priority and the Family Emerich joined the
running pack, young Zander taking two or three tumbles on the way.
Back with the runners, the pack was held at the top of
another monster incline, while several members investigated the possibility of
short-cutting through a farm. Yapping dogs soon put that notion to bed and the
pack were off again, climbing higher into the Leopard’s Hill bush (hohoho).
The runners joined the walkers, who were, by this point,
blundering through the bush as the chalk piles became harder to pinpoint. At
this point Orca dropped a bombshell, announcing the hares had run out of chalk.
Mutiny on the Bounty was narrowly avoided as the walkers were led down the
valley towards the beer!
The pack erupted into chaos; insults were slung and fingers
were jabbed as the runners threatened to go all “Lord of the Flies” at the
prospect of the Mosi being drunk in their absence. Lothario and Hamster quelled
the rebellion by rightly pointing out that the Mosi was locked away in the car!
Orca - now “live hare” - led the runners on with some very
bizarre imaginary holds, which only Bo Pip and his front runners actually
bothered to check out! Condom Man and Goodison Two Shoes deliberated over
recruit Aisling’s new hash name – which would be revealed to all in the circle.
Sliding down the scree and back into civilisation, the
walkers were slowly reeled back in and, one by one, the Lusaka Hash House
Harriers arrived back at the cars, sweaty and thirsty. Family Emerich were
waiting, having doubled back and not been eaten by lions, as was speculated.
The circle formed and Condom Man led the way, welcoming the
newbies and inviting them to kneel on the red carpet for a down-down before the
real business started – hash snitching, down-downs and the dreaded hash sh*t
nominations.
Condom Man was called to the circle and lambasted for his “Ray
Mears” Benbar jerry can roof rack rig, complete with Lewis gun mounting, camo
net arrangement and DSTV dish. Our beloved leader had kitted out his wheels for
a Sahara-esque reconnaissance patrol to root out Rommel and the Africa Korps,
only to grind his beloved benbar on a wall or some such large inanimate object.
Serves you right, there’s plenty of petrol stations in Lusaka, you big ponce.
Bo was called in to
celebrate his nuptials, while Titilator and Cream Dream were penalised for
doing a “Boy Blue”. Rene sank a
down-down for failing to ask for marriage proposal permission and Purple Bush
and Moby Dick sank some Mosi for smoking on the hash – shame on them.
In other business, Tarzan notched up 150 runs, while Purple
Bush chalked 200. The circle raised their glasses in tribute to their sterling
efforts – well done chaps.
Shrek
2 and Aisling were called into the circle for their renaming/naming. Shrek 2 was
re-baptised as Princess Fiona and Aisling shall from this day forth be known as
Knee Trembler – she’s a physio… massage…
rides a bike - geddit? Oh well….
Which left only one last item on the agenda – Hash Sh*t.
Condemned to the bin, the mud-festooned, Mosi-ridden monstrosity of 2011 was
duly replaced with a fetching pink number. Bo-pip was summoned to the centre
for his crimes of “looking fit” and “going on his dad’s honeymoon”. Shame on
you. Off came the shirt, out came the guns, swoon went the ladies.
And with that we trundled into the setting sun. On-on.
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