Fun at the farm

Date: Saturday, March 24th, 2012. 

Hares: Single Shot, Money Shot and Dreadful. 

Location: Annie’s Farm. 

Hash Number: 1660. 

Attendance: Who knows, probably about 60ish?

The hash returned to Annie’s Farm, up behind Adventure City, for a jolly nice run/ramble in the hills around the Forest Reserve. Hash Trash had been a bit erratic with attendance of late, and parental visitors were dragged out of bed and introduced to this “hashing” lark.

A good attendance yet again, and the runners were off one way, led by Dreadful, while us walkers went another with the shot twins. Up the hill, past several massive holes, blatantly dug to trap innocent hashers, we rambled on, passing the odd runner mark and check back.

At the top of the hill (Elv: 6,568, 565, 546m precisely) our intrepid band put on their oxygen masks and stopped for a quick hash hold, before wending our way back down the hill again.

The brave band were picked off one by one by some massive spiders, Hash Trash himself having to bravely rescue several web-caught wenches! Meanwhile, young Alexander Anderson bravely held off the man-eating giraffes with a nail file. Phew!

Off the 200 who set off, just a handful of us made it back to the farm, just in time to see the runners come shuffling back, ready for the fun to begin.

All gathered, and after a swift moment’s silence to remember those who hadn’t made it out of ‘spider gully’, Condom Man and Hamster (remember him?) got proceedings under way.

Straight away Elvis and Princess Fiona were called in for the crime of counterfeit haring, both stupidly wearing their hare T-shirts. Allo allo and G2S were called in to mark the run and walk with 9.25/10 and 23/19.5 respectively.

Newcomers were called in to the circle, Denny and Michael, from the UK, parents of Princess Fiona, as well as Andrew from the Copperbelt and Rohit from Canada, eh.

In a moment rarer than a Scotsman opening his wallet or a Yorkshireman getting his round in, the hash managed to muster 3 Bolton Wanderers fans in the form of Michael, Hamster and Child Abuse. While the trio got all dewy-eyed about Kevin Davies and discussed just how many umlauts Jussi Jääskeläinen’s name should have, a triple was called for.

However, Hamster wangled his way out of a forfeit with just the kind of behaviour we have come to expect and heroically called up Princess Fiona to take his place. Shameful, indeed.
Daisy was then called into the circle for her naming, and was duly named “Short Cummings” (owing to her reputation as a one-minute wonder)!

Captain Bill, Denny and Michael were also called in, having all arrived via British Airways in the morning, Captain Bill having flown them in (“flown” = pressing the autopilot button and then hitting the whiskey).
Next up was the forgetful Fruitcake (formally known as Elderberry) and Princess Fiona, who were penalised for losing a GPS and a broken umbrella.

Finally, Hazards’ barefooted gang were also called up for a down-down and we all toasted the latecomers Orca and Squits, who crossed the finish line as we were wrapping things up!

Which left just one last item on the agenda. Indeed, this week’s H*sh Shit accolade had a degree of inevitability about it. Ducking out of a forfeit here and a mismanagement meeting there, he finally had the barefaced cheek to show his face at the hash after 14-or-so months of absence.
Up stepped our very own religious adviser, Hamster. On went the pink and down went the potty, not a drop spilled! Well done, RA. On-On.
 

NB: Hash Flash pictures will be uploaded soon, as Michael’s stick wouldn’t fit in Princess Fiona’s slot (snigger snigger).

A load of garbage!

Wow! Who knew that UNZA went on and on and on stretching all the way back - massive grounds with loadsa garbage everywhere. 

A new venue a great for getting lost in, particularly as the trail had been wiped out by a heavy rain shower so it was pretty much a DIY hash. Bellend has his first outing as RA, Phhssstttt got named, Elderberry/ Fruitcake got renamed and Nipples got the sh*t. What more can we say?

NB - Still looking for a mountain biker to set the first bike trail next week - 31st March. Nice venue has been sorted (courtesy of Batman) and he can advise on trails and routes. Braai afterwards so it would be good to get the monthly BASH trail off to a flying start. If we don't get a hare then this idea will whither and die on the altar of apathy!

R*n No: 1660 

Date 24th March 2012
Time:15.00 hours
Hares: Bwalya, Single Shot and Money Shot
Venue: Annie's Farm - Leopards Hill Road.
Directions: Up Leopards Hill Road. Well before the barrier turn LEFT opposite the American International School signposted for Adventure City. Down the dirt road a look for turn-off on the right hand side which will be marked. 

Receding Hare Line: 

Mar 31st Batman (BYOB) Hopefully in addition to the normal runners and walkers trails this will be the first Bicycle Hash - BASH with a trail laid by and for mountain bikers 

April 7th Nipples / Cream Dream

April 14th Squits / Lothario 

April 21st Titus

April 28th Rhino (BYOB)

Condom Man.

UNZA here we come

I couldn't make it last week but I gather that for those who didn't make it out of town there were good numbers for a classic Adventure City special laid by Orca and Nipples. This week - a new venue at UNZA so quick and easy to get to for those who don't like to venture too far out of town or those looking to dash back to doll themselves up for the St Patrick's day bash
NB - Looking for a mountain biker to set the first bike trail on 31st. Nice venue has been sorted (courtesy of Batman) and he can advise on trails and routes. Braai afterwards so it would be good to get the monthly BASH trail off to a flying start. 

R*n No: 1659
Date 17th March 2012
Time:15.00 hours
Hares: Boy Blue and Titilator
Venue: UNZA - Great East Road - main Campus.
Directions: From Arcades roundabout on G East Road go east (in the direction of the airport) and turn right after 1.4 KM into the main entrance of UNZA. Look for chalk

Receding Hare Line:
Mar 24th Bwalya, Single Shot and Money Shot
Mar 31st Batman (BYOB) Hopefully in addition to the normal runners and walkers trails this will be the first Bicycle Hash - BASH with a trail laid by and for mountain bikers

April 7th Nipples / Cream Dream
April 14th Squits / Lothario
April 21st Titus
April 28th Rhino (BYOB)
 

Any problems - Call Condom Man on 0977159935
Remember to bring your mug for beer.
Available from Hash Haberdasher: T-shirts (K30,000) and LH3 beer glasses (K25,000)
Condom Man.

Going the (lack of) distance

SHANDY PANDY: LIYL.

Date: Saturday, March 3rd, 2012. 

Hares: Chris, Dreadful, Moby Dick. 

Location: Enoch Cavendelli’s land. 

Hash Number: 1657. 

Attendance: 65 plus some men in hard hats.

The ‘wonderful’ road markings, combined with somebody’s birthday (also marked in white chalk), meant we had more than a few latecomers to this week’s run. However, it was a lovely starting location and the ominous rainclouds happily did not put everyone off.

Claims were made by Chris, Dreadful and Moby Dick of an 11k marathon endurance trail; a frightening thought for those who actually believed them. So we set off at a leisurely pace, with the oxygen thieves taking the lead. The run started with a plethora of titty checks (thanks a lot Dreadful and Chris – we know you just like drawing boobies!) and a slight incline. The pack leapt through some floral meadows and got to the first hash hold after about 65 minutes. The small gang of runners gazed admiringly at Matatu’s water bottles and were off pretty quick, with lost child Olivia Anderson taking the lead in her fetching silver flip-flops.

PEEING ON CHICKS:
Golden Shower.

WHO BROUGHT YOU?
The boss.

After a dark passage (?!) through some trees, we got to an alarming electric fence, which the leaders of the pack proceeded to follow (rather than the customary chalk). Unfortunately they all had to come back and tackle the mammoth hill they had tried to avoid, with Moby yelling ‘encouragement’ all the way. The second hash hold was reached in a time of around 2 hours 34 minutes, and then we were off again, round a corner, down a hill (following Matatu’s instructions as she had checked the trail out on her bike earlier in the day), up again because there were no markings down said hill, and down a different hill back to the circle. 

After 5 hours of straight running, everyone got stuck in to a well-deserved beer. Purple Bush and Bin Dealin’ arrived back several months after the rest of us, having decided the walk was too short and taking the long cut.

The circle formed, Condom Man was back into the middle, with Princess Fiona as his ‘trusty sidekick’. Rumpled foreskin marked the run a miserly 19/23, then we celebrated the newcomers; Killian with Prince Charming, Sam with Sex In The Country, Steven and Mary from the US of A, Nicola and Sarah (VSO, don’t you know), and Janet and Alan from Durban. The returners were (mostly) welcomed back, Sail from Tanganyika, Ngwee from Kosovo after a mere 2 weeks absence, and Buju from ‘Inside’.

The ladies were unfairly penalised for not observing titty checks and Princess Fiona deservedly got beer thrown in his face. Girl power. Father of the Year, Murray Anderson, had a down-down for losing both his children at one point in the afternoon (or for finding them again, depending on who you ask). Making it a family affair, Princess Fiona brought Olivia into the circle, and had more drink thrown at him.

CHEERS: Dreadful.

HASH SHIT: Leah.

Child Abuse and family were rewarded with a triple for their stylish ‘Mock-Swede’ raincoats. (Perhaps we need a Hash-Fash(ion) column for next week?) Unfortunately they broke the triple! SHAME! Condom Man, Titilator and Moby proved that even a broken stick can still be useful as Chris, Purple Bush and Bin Dealin’ stepped up for the second triple for some outrageous stretching, and treated us to some very disturbing poses in the circle. Look If You Like got the final down-down after being spotted mixing beer and water (and no, it wasn’t even Castle!).

FERAL: Oxygen thieves.

To wind up business Chris was named ‘Golden Shower’ due to his obsession with chickpeas (chick–pees – geddit? I didn’t!) and then Look If You Like celebrated 100 runs, woo!

Matatu then optimistically came in with an announcement for the Kafue Gorge Run on 17th March, which promises to be EVEN LONGER than this week’s hash! But no hills. Phew.

Finally, Leah, on only her second hash ever, was granted the highest accolade of Hash Sh*t, after locking her car keys in her car. Oh dear. After donning the increasingly dirty shirt with a grin on her face, she was luckily able to get home due to the crapness of Rav4s and the fact anyone’s key fit in her door! 

On-On! 

Goodison Two Shoes.

Calling all mountain bikers!

A beautiful forest location last week for virgin hare Chris (now named “Golden Shower” - don’t ask) assisted by veterans Moby Dick and Dreadful.
The walk was a bit short so half the walking pack meandered off into the bush to do a bit more and promptly got lost for half a hour - serves 'em right! Another clutch of visitors joined us for a very silly circle and great to see Sail back on a brief visit from Tanzania.
We are still looking for a mountain biker to set the first bike trail on 31st. Nice venue has been sorted (courtesy of Batman) and he can advise on trails and routes. Braai afterwards so it would be good to get the monthly BASH trail off to a flying start.

Condom Man.

R*n No: 1658
Date 10th March 2012
Time: 15.00 hours
Hares: Orca
Venue: Chris' farm - near Adventure City
Directions: Take Leopards Hill Road and turn left opposite the American School following signs to Adventure City. Just before Adventure City turn left again - following chalk.

Receding Hare Line:

Mar 17th Boy Blue / Titilator
Mar 24th Bwalya / Joanna / Goretti
Mar 31st Batman (BYOB) Hopefully in addition to the normal runners and walkers trails this will be the first Bicycle Hash - BASH with a trail laid by and for mountain bikers
April 7th Nipples / Cream Dream
April 14th Squits / Lothario
April 21st Titus
April 28th Rhino (BYOB)

A walk in the woods

BIOGAS: It's basically farts.

Date: Saturday, February 25^th, 2012.

Hares: Goodison Two Shoes and Princess Fiona.

Location: Forest Reserve (old church).

Hash Number: 1656 (possibly?)

Attendance: 60+ish?

Back to the Forest Reserve, this time the old church, where a terrible road grounded a few  hashers before on-on was even called. We all had sympathy for them, apart from Barrel Boy, who foolishly brought his yuppie-mobile along.

Yours truly was set the trail with the lovely Goodison Two Shoes (I have to say that or she’ll punch me in the arm).  Weary and hungover ( as we pretty much are every Saturday) our intrepid hares returned, head to toe in chalk dust, just in time to do the whole bloody thing again!

DOG-BASED BUFFOONERY:
Bell End, Purple Bush and Melissa.

Goodison led the merry band of walkers, while Hash Trash heroically volunteered to ‘lead’ the runners (which actually meant stay somewhere close to the front whilst going downhill and then fade as soon as the gradient picked up again).

Down into the valley we all headed, where Goodison, despite setting the trail just minutes before, still managed to get the walkers lost. Meanwhile, the runners hit the stream and hooked left, wending their way to the first hold, besides a beautiful babbling brook (perfect for a pre-hash hare urination).

Tarzan lived up to his name by enthusiastically swinging all over a dead tree and we were soon off again, passing the walkers’ cut back. Up through the valley we went, quickly losing the chalk trail (I blame the useless hares – especially that Goodison Two Shoes) .

Thankfully, Orca’s trusty forest reserve homing beacon meant we were soon on our way, missing a hold, but cruising in 40-odd minutes or so after setting off.

FLAGGING: Titilator and co.

Runners smacked their lips expectantly and awaited the arrival of the walkers (well, Boy Blue and the beer tap), who soon appeared on the horizon, with the exception of Elvis, who brought up the rear, so to speak, just as Hash Trash launched a selfless and near-suicidal attempt to rescue them by off-roading in his hairdresser-mobile RAV4.

All back in one piece, the Mosi flowed and Barrel Boy, with his dulcet tones as acting HM, welcomed the newcomers: Melissa, from the UK, with a ridiculously massive dog who is involved with a Greek (not the dog, Melissa), brought by Purple Bush; Mike, from the Copperbelt, brought by Batman; Lea, from New York, and Kakusa, from Ndola.

Also welcomed were some long-time returners Murray, Chastity and ?, who between them  could rack up a whopping four score and seven years since their last hash (maybe a slight exaggeration there).

Anyhow, acting RA Child Abuse stepped forth to dish out the punishments, firstly calling the number plates of all the late-comers who arrived at 15.29pm. A down-down was administered, before Goodison and Princess were called in for hinting that they might not stay for the braai.

WALES 1-0 ENGLAND: Tripod.

Next up was Melissa, penalised for bringing the Hound Of The Baskervilles and there seemed to be a lot of confusion involving beer being tipped Bell End’s way. Also in trouble were One Shot and Money Shot for wearing new shoes, although one of our duo escaped a Mosi shoe down-down after Child Abuse got it wrong. A triple was ordered for Titilator and co, who still proudly wore the Zambian colours (had we mentioned Zambia were African champions?). Orca and Matoki also took the opportunity to model a snazzy selection of discount hash T-shirts (just 15,000 kwacha from all good retailers) in Look If You Like’s absence and we all toasted the models.

The Hash Snitches were out in force as Nipples dobbed in a Smirnoff Ice-drinking litter bug, while Goodison and Princess took the opportunity to snitch on newcomer Murray and Chris, who not only arrived after the hash set off, but then proceeded to get lost after roughly 30m! Has Trash says shame on you Chris - learn your hash signs!

German Chris was also maturely dubbed “Fart”, for his acclaimed prowess utilising biogas, in a less-than-Evangelical humanist ceremony involving a bottle of water being jammed down his shorts by Child Abuse!

And last but not least came Hash Sh*t. In honour of the Six Nations rugby, Wales (Lothario) contested the honours with England (Tripod). And, just like the Rugby result, England lost out! A somewhat amazed Lothario was out-cheered by the English-hating masses! Bloody colonials. Hard luck, Tripod! On-On!