A walk in the woods

BIOGAS: It's basically farts.

Date: Saturday, February 25^th, 2012.

Hares: Goodison Two Shoes and Princess Fiona.

Location: Forest Reserve (old church).

Hash Number: 1656 (possibly?)

Attendance: 60+ish?

Back to the Forest Reserve, this time the old church, where a terrible road grounded a few  hashers before on-on was even called. We all had sympathy for them, apart from Barrel Boy, who foolishly brought his yuppie-mobile along.

Yours truly was set the trail with the lovely Goodison Two Shoes (I have to say that or she’ll punch me in the arm).  Weary and hungover ( as we pretty much are every Saturday) our intrepid hares returned, head to toe in chalk dust, just in time to do the whole bloody thing again!

DOG-BASED BUFFOONERY:
Bell End, Purple Bush and Melissa.

Goodison led the merry band of walkers, while Hash Trash heroically volunteered to ‘lead’ the runners (which actually meant stay somewhere close to the front whilst going downhill and then fade as soon as the gradient picked up again).

Down into the valley we all headed, where Goodison, despite setting the trail just minutes before, still managed to get the walkers lost. Meanwhile, the runners hit the stream and hooked left, wending their way to the first hold, besides a beautiful babbling brook (perfect for a pre-hash hare urination).

Tarzan lived up to his name by enthusiastically swinging all over a dead tree and we were soon off again, passing the walkers’ cut back. Up through the valley we went, quickly losing the chalk trail (I blame the useless hares – especially that Goodison Two Shoes) .

Thankfully, Orca’s trusty forest reserve homing beacon meant we were soon on our way, missing a hold, but cruising in 40-odd minutes or so after setting off.

FLAGGING: Titilator and co.

Runners smacked their lips expectantly and awaited the arrival of the walkers (well, Boy Blue and the beer tap), who soon appeared on the horizon, with the exception of Elvis, who brought up the rear, so to speak, just as Hash Trash launched a selfless and near-suicidal attempt to rescue them by off-roading in his hairdresser-mobile RAV4.

All back in one piece, the Mosi flowed and Barrel Boy, with his dulcet tones as acting HM, welcomed the newcomers: Melissa, from the UK, with a ridiculously massive dog who is involved with a Greek (not the dog, Melissa), brought by Purple Bush; Mike, from the Copperbelt, brought by Batman; Lea, from New York, and Kakusa, from Ndola.

Also welcomed were some long-time returners Murray, Chastity and ?, who between them  could rack up a whopping four score and seven years since their last hash (maybe a slight exaggeration there).

Anyhow, acting RA Child Abuse stepped forth to dish out the punishments, firstly calling the number plates of all the late-comers who arrived at 15.29pm. A down-down was administered, before Goodison and Princess were called in for hinting that they might not stay for the braai.

WALES 1-0 ENGLAND: Tripod.

Next up was Melissa, penalised for bringing the Hound Of The Baskervilles and there seemed to be a lot of confusion involving beer being tipped Bell End’s way. Also in trouble were One Shot and Money Shot for wearing new shoes, although one of our duo escaped a Mosi shoe down-down after Child Abuse got it wrong. A triple was ordered for Titilator and co, who still proudly wore the Zambian colours (had we mentioned Zambia were African champions?). Orca and Matoki also took the opportunity to model a snazzy selection of discount hash T-shirts (just 15,000 kwacha from all good retailers) in Look If You Like’s absence and we all toasted the models.

The Hash Snitches were out in force as Nipples dobbed in a Smirnoff Ice-drinking litter bug, while Goodison and Princess took the opportunity to snitch on newcomer Murray and Chris, who not only arrived after the hash set off, but then proceeded to get lost after roughly 30m! Has Trash says shame on you Chris - learn your hash signs!

German Chris was also maturely dubbed “Fart”, for his acclaimed prowess utilising biogas, in a less-than-Evangelical humanist ceremony involving a bottle of water being jammed down his shorts by Child Abuse!

And last but not least came Hash Sh*t. In honour of the Six Nations rugby, Wales (Lothario) contested the honours with England (Tripod). And, just like the Rugby result, England lost out! A somewhat amazed Lothario was out-cheered by the English-hating masses! Bloody colonials. Hard luck, Tripod! On-On!