Jumbo-sized fun

I missed last week’s r*n but I gather it was a real cracker – new site, new people and a great trail. Thanks to Squits and the newly-christened Jumbo for taking the initiative to find a new site and such a good job.

As the world gears up with feverish excitement (does it – Ed?) looking forward to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth’s Diamond Jubilee celebrations don’t forget that on 9th June LH3 will be doing its bit with a t-shirt r*n and pig roast party from Bongwe Barn in Roma. 

It’s a bargain at 50 pin a head (25 for oxygen thieves) so all you irregulars – why not dust off your r*nning shoes, don your Union jack party hats and come and join us. Rumour has it that the hares, Princess Fiona and G2S are also planning a garden party style wet hold but they are keeping their true ...intentions strictly under wraps! There’d better be cucumber sandwiches!


Next week’s r*n we are back at Chipalo Park – details as below. With luck we’ll do the other half of the trail that we missed a few weeks ago!

This week's r*n:
R*n No: 1670
Date: 2nd June 2012
Time: 15.00 hours
Hares: bento and Dreadful
Venue: Chipalo Park – New Kasama
Directions: Take Leopards Hill Road. Just after the OG gym turn left off onto a dirt road, ignore the turning off left and look for markings on the road on the RHS – through gates and keep following chalk.
Receding Hare Line
9th June - Diamond Jubilee R*n, Bongwe Barn
16th June - HARES REQUIRED
23rd June - Single Shot (Birthday Girl) and Money Shot and Dreadful
30th June - Boy Blue (BYOB)
7th July - First Lady and Titilator and Bento
14th July - HARES REQUIRED
21st July - HARES REQUIRED
28th July - Buju and Dreadful (BYOB)
4th August - Hamster
11th August - HARES REQUIRED
18th August - HARES REQUIRED
25th August - Boy Blue (BYOB).

On-on. Condom Man.

Lusaka Bash picture special - May 19

DANGER: Child Abuse.

RELEGATION: Where's Hamster?

CAPED CRUSADERS: Batman and Robin.

Spice Girls: Having a down-down.

CHAMPIONS? Chelsea vs Bayern.

KINKY! Fruitcake.

Cyclepaths: Too much lycra.

HEADLESS CHICKENS: Condom Man and Orca.

CIRCLE-BASED BUFFOONERY: Condom Man and Co.

I fell into a burning ring of fire...

Date: Saturday, May 19, 2012.

Hares: Condom Man, Fruitcake, Raspberry
Location: The batcave, New Kasama.
Hash Number: 1668.
Attendance: 37 and bikers too!

The first Bash ever was an easily organised affair, and little preparation was effected before the hash. However this did not lead to many c*ck ups at all.
Runners, cyclopaths and ‘that other lot’ all set off in different directions in high spirits and it was nice to see some new faces amongst the crowd. At the back of the running crowd (God knows what was going on at the front- ask Orca!) there was much consternation after the first small bank as we got to the only mountain in Lusaka and had to scurry up the cliff face, crampons and all. Upon reaching the summit, we all paused to have a breather – that sweet mountain air. Unfortunately the other side of the hill was actually in the process of being on fire. Coughing and spluttering, we ran THROUGH ACTUAL FIRE, Titus, like a true hero, carrying the not so brave and fearless Floppy.
Drama over, you might think… But no, fire apparently burns away hash markings so off went Condom Man to find his trail. Off went Orca in the other direction, followed by the pack, who were totally clueless. 15 minutes later, are we going in the right direction? Luckily our expert trail setter Condom Man hallooed us from a nearby valley. The pack turned and headed back the other way. It was all plain sailing after that and not even Spaceman complained about the length of the r*n. Orca and Squits of course ended up going the wrong way, but nobody minded. Maybe it was the right way. We’re still not sure.
Back at the cave, we waited more or less patiently for the intrepid mountain bikers to join us, and eventually we heard the whizz of tyres, the squeak of lycra and the whoof of a puncture – they were back! Now in the safety of a smoke free environment, we all relaxed and looked admiringly at Batman’s exhibits. Tasty.
Titus marked the run generously with a mighty 9 ½ because it had plenty of hazards, even admiring Orca’s added bonus route. Frigid said the streams and hills were rovely, whilst Knee Trembler, sinking the G&Ts, gave the Bash an awesomely spiffing 10/9.
We were overjoyed to see 6 newcomers: Parasite from Jo’burg, Jane with malaria from New York, Christophile a Spanish journalist, Dexter with the fly glasses, Chuck Bottles and international man of mystery Batman’s retired friend (joker, perhaps?). The returners had their go too: Noisy Spice, Stomach, Robin, Singapore, Clara and Peace. The new cyclopaths tried to escape but Craig and Meredith were dragged back to hear some lovely songs about Oz.
Guest RA Princess Fiona named and shamed the relegated pair, Nipples and Child Abuse. Where are the other Bolton fans when you need them? Do they even exist? Doubles continued to be the order of the day with our pair of superheroes, Batman and Robin, followed by hot stuff, Noisy Spice and Spice Girl. Given Princess’ obsession with anything involving a ball, the champion’s league supporters, Buju and Tarzan were next for the down-downs.
Orca and Condom Man were given deserved penalties for ‘such a marvellous trail’. Followed by Knee Trembler, Tarzin and Craig for excessive lycra. HashFash was not impressed. Lycra has no place on people who are not superheroes. Sorry.
Lynsey then got her moment of glory, sweet, sweet moment, and was, with much ceremony, escorted by a doggy entourage, named The Bearded Lady. Because of the durex dogs, geddit?
Announcements were made regarding the Jubilee Hash. Yes, a T-shirt, a dinner, beer and a party all for 50 pin on 9th June. Hurrah!
And so hare and all round guru of the day, Fruitcake, was given the Hash Sh*t accolade, due to his early exit from the Bash on account of a puncture. We thought all the merriment was over. But we were in for a real treat. As Fruitcake stripped off his outer layer, he revealed an excellent Borat-style lycra garment. HashFash takes back everything she said earlier about lycra. Breath-taking.
 
On on! Goodison Two Shoes.

We're heading north...

Last Saturday saw the inaugural bike hash (BASH) with lycra-clad bikers with shaved legs flocking from near and far flocking to Batman’s idyllic homestead to join us knee-powered mortals in pursuit of trails, chalk, cold beer and good company.

Thanks to Fruitcake for setting the bike trail (sorry about the puncture but there was no excuse for the kinky underwear!). Let’s hope that this will become a monthly event – to be scheduled for the last Saturday of every month to coincide with the BYO Braai. Does anybody want to volunteer to set the next BASH trail on 30th June?

This week for those not disappearing into the boondocks for the long weekend, Squits has come up with a new venue for us – up Great North Road – should be good. It will be followed by a bring your own BBQ/ Braai – we provide the fire and beer and you provide your own edibles and utensils.

This week's r*n:
R*n No: 1669
Date: 26th May 2012
Time: 15.00 hours
Hares: Squits and Nellie
Venue: Great North Road - Shaka's Kraal Farm (New Venue)
Directions: Take Great North Road - 7.7kms after passing Emersdale Police Station you reach Pre Cem Motel. 50metres past the police check point turn LEFT into Shaka's Kraal and follow talc. BYO Braai after.

Receding Hare Line:
26th May - Squits and Nellie (BYOB)
2nd June - Dreadful and Bento
9th June - Diamond Jubilee R*n, Bongwe Barn, Princess Fiona and G2S.
16th June - HARES REQUIRED
23rd June - Single Shot (Birthday Girl) and Money Shot and Dreadful
30th June - Boy Blue (BYOB)
7th July - First Lady and Titilator and Bento
14th July - HARES REQUIRED
21st July - HARES REQUIRED
28th July - Buju and Dreadful (BYOB)
4th August - Hamster
11th August - HARES REQUIRED
18th August - HARES REQUIRED
25th August - Boy Blue (BYOB)

Condom Man.

God Save the Queen!

SHE IS A PISSPOT THROUGH AND THROUGH: Elizabeth sinks 
a warm castle on the Windsor Hash last weekend.

God save the Queen! What would be a better way to celebrate Queen Elizabeth's Diamond Jubilee than a r*n around Roma? 

On Saturday, June 9, at 3pm, Lusaka Hash House Harriers is giving you the chance to unfurl the bunting, eat cucumber sandwiches and hobnob with some of Lizzie's finest subjects!

The run will start and finish out of Bongwe Barn and costs 50 pin. 

"50 pin? Bloody hell, that's expensive. How do those arses on the Mismanagment C*mmittee expect me to stump up that?" I hear you cheapskates shout. 

The price is inclusive of run fee, Hash beer, a snazzy Jubilee T-shirt and a hog-roast rustled up by Matt the chef at Bongwe. What's more, bring your oxygen thieves for just 25 pin! 

The party will continue afterwards at Bongwe Barn. Rumour has it that Lizzie herself will be down for  a few Mosi and a game of killer if Phillip will babysit the corgis. 

On on! Social Sex.

May 6th Forest Reserve pictures

Starting them early on the Lusaka Hash.

Our hares, Nipples, Orca and Dreadful.

Hash Sh*t Spaceman.

Squits.

Bottom Feeder entertains the newcomer.

3 x terrible shorts = triple down-down!

Fruitcake.

Un-bee-lievable

Date: Saturday, May 6, 2012. 

Hares: Orca, Dreadful and Nipples

Location: Forest reserve.

Hash Number: 1666.

Attendance: About 40?

It was back to the familiar surroundings of the forest reserve off State Lodge Road this week as we gathered round the circle in the sunshine. Rounding up a few late-comers, we set off – Dreadful leading the way.
With good intentions, Hash Trash set off at the front of the pack. However, a quick cut back two minutes later put him firmly in the rear. Admitting defeat, Titilator soon led him through the bush and straight to the walkers! Happy days!
At a much more agreeable pace, we returned to the car park roughly 13 seconds after that, all ready for the sweaty, dirty runners to return. However, it seemed the runners had a different agenda as Orca and co stomped the back roads of the reserve, crossing the pylons and even the dirt road.
How inconsiderate. What do they think this is, a running club? Anyway several walkers, with the prospect of a 30-minute wait for the return of the beer tap, sorry, Boy Blue, returned to the trail to while away the minutes and discuss such high-brow topics as ‘why can’t you get petrol in Malawi?’ and ‘when are they knocking off the zeros on the kwacha?’
High-brow stuff, indeed. Anyhow, the runners eventually returned and we got underway with the real business of the day – drinking beer and getting harassed by bees. Hamster stepped forth to proclaim the run to be perfectly satisfactory, grading it 9 of 8,000,000 kwacha (that’ll be 8,000 kwacha, BTW).
Newcomers Jennifer, from Canada-aye, and Ashley, daughter of the newly-named Sugar Babe and Money Launderer, were welcomed, before Princess Fiona and Barrel Boy were brought forth for an FA Cup down-down. Princess represented his favourite team, Liverpool, and Barrel Boy represented his former employees, Chelsea. The Pools forecast panel declared it a ‘no score draw’ as copious amounts of Mosi were dribbled down their chins.
Next up was Batman, Spaceman and Bottom Feeder for a crime nearly as terrible as wearing neon – wearing dafter shorts. Next up were Child Abuse and Tripod for their rubbish glasses (not the type you wear – that would just be harsh).
The circle then started to resemble a second-rate variety show, as Hamster showed off his bee beard and Condom Man wowed us all with his magic tricks – Daniels and McGee eat your heart out.
Sanity was eventually restored and Squits was punished for the outrageous crime of wearing pyjamas at some point. Princess snitched on Fruitcake, having been tipped off by Raspberry, for taking his off-roading a bit too seriously, nearly ditching the hash altogether to test out his ex- ambassadorial Range Rover on the dirt roads. They were nearly in Malawi by the time he was persuaded to turn it around.
Aside from the silliness, Hashers will be pleased to know that hash fleeces will soon be available (pending a successful ram-raid at Manda Hill PEP by LIYL). God knows how much she’s going to ‘fleece’ us for – geddit? Never mind.
Which left just one last item on the agenda – Hash Shit. Duly elected was Spaceman. What a grass. Dobbing your sister in. Shame! On-On.

Inaugural Lusaka Bash - bring your bike!

A short run last week which was a pity as Chipalo Park is a nice location and we could have made more use of the potential that it offered – next time maybe. Anyway Hamster made a rare guest appearance, Child Abuse lived up to his hash name (and was suitably punished) and some random Tanzanians appeared from nowhere just in time for the circle! Quite a quiet Saturday afternoon by hash standards, made up for by the nerve-shredding excitement of the football the next day.

As promised – this Saturday we have the inaugural Lusaka Hash Bicycle trail or BASH. This means that there will be a trail for mountain bikers as well as the usual runners’ and walkers’ trails. It’s something that we are hoping to make a monthly event but need the support of riders a...nd hares, so come and support! 

Set by Fruitcake from Batman’s house, the bike trail will be duration of about an hour and will start and finish with the runners and walkers and the famous hash circle gathered around the beer keg. If you fancy coming along for the ride then do so – it’s a brilliant and scenic location in the forest - directions as below. Please note that there will be normal walkers and runners trails set as well.

SAVE THE DATE: Sat 9th June, to mark 60 years of Queen Elizabeth 1st being on the British throne the r*n will be a special Diamond Jubilee event. More details in due course but venue will be Bongwe Barn in Roma and there will probably be a pig roast and party to follow.

This week's r*n:
R*n No: 1668
Date: 19th May 2012
Time: 15.00 hours
Hares: Fruitcake, Raspberry and Condom Man
Venue: The Batcave, New Kasama
Directions: Up Leopards Hill Road and turn left just after OG Gym. Go along dirt road and turn up left again at first major junction. Keep going a km or so then turn right and keep going following chalk, making a right turn, go over the wee bridge and you're there.

Receding Hare Line:
26th May - Squits and Nellie
2nd June Dreadful and Bento
9th June - Diamond Jubilee R*n, Bongwe Barn, Princess Fiona and Goodison Two Shoes.
16th June - HARES REQUIRED
23rd June - Single Shot (Birthday Girl) and Money Shot and Dreadful
30th June - Boy Blue
7th July - First Lady and Titilator and Bento
14th July - HARES REQUIRED
21st July - HARES REQUIRED
28th July - Buju and Dreadful
4th August - Hamster
11th August - HARES REQUIRED
18th August - HARES REQUIRED
25th August - Boy Blue


Condom Man.

Left at the Big Cock Roundabout?

Date: Saturday, April 28, 2012.
Hares: Rhino.
Location: Rhino's house.
Hash Number: 1665

Everyone knows where Rhino’s house is. And the Whole World can locate the invisible TEMO Hospital sign.

So, there was no need at all for clear directions to the Run/Walk/BBQ this weekend. As a result, by 3:15pm, distress calls were coming in thick and fast. Several car-loads were seen touring the Big Cock Roundabout, and at least one car ended up in the vicinity of Chongwe. 

Up to 30 regular Hashers were AWOL/Missing in Action – even before we started. Or maybe it was the lure of the Hooter Tooter Band at MundaWanga, or the long Labour Day weekend. Anyhow, only 29 persistent hashers gathered in Rhino’s sunny and well appointed garden. 

And the rest of you can mourn the copious beer, splendid BBQ and luxurious toilet facilities you missed – the latter alone worth a guided tour, as Best Kept Loos on the Great East Road.

Rhino had bravely set the trail all alone, in a spare half hour, and misled the gathered throng into thinking it was: “A short run with 2 HHs and no check points”. The last bit was true. We suspect this cunning trail was set from his car, casting handfuls of powder from the window. 

Trustingly, we set off to the north, down the tarmac, with the runners playing dodge the traffic to disappear off into the unfinished (unstarted) bits of Munali, whilst the walkers enjoyed the suburban delights of Chudleigh. It was hot. 

As the cunning trial got cunninger, both walkers and runners ad-libbed. Fruitcake ran very fast to lots of places by himself. Titillator, Wombat and Raspberry, on a short cut, rescued Root Rat, who had accidentally found the
one HH, whilst on an even shorter cut.

Meanwhile, Look if you Like chose the stream (sewer?) skirting N’gombe to test the waterproofing on her new running shoes (not very). Miraculously, everyone turned up at Rhino’s as the BBQ was being lit, even Boy Blue.

As the beer flowed, the Movement to Conduct the Circle Sitting Down was quashed mercilessly by Condom Man. LIYL was not generous with her marking, giving the run Minus $20 out of 5 (the alleged cost of her new running shoes).

Child Abuse, as RA, castigated Nipples for forgetting to buy Diet-Anything, Raspberry for switching allegiance from Walkers to Runners to Ad-Libbers, and Fruitcake for generally being a Fruitcake.

The newly named LadyBoy really enjoyed his beery christening, and will consider more carefully in future his penchant for holding handbags for damsels in distress. Although it did suit him. Batman and Rhino won Down-Downs for having the oldest surviving T-shirts (1999?), although

Batman’s won’t last much longer if he carries on with his new laundry habits, which were noted.

And in fact, the sight of the crisply ironed creases so incensed and confused both RA and Hash Master alike, that they had to award Batman the Shit Shirt, to restore generally expected standards. 

And so he donned it, with the circumspection due to his newly adopted sartorial splendour. All agreed that the future of Lusaka Hash was secure, with people returning from as far away asKigali, and most of the new-comers under the age of 8. 

And anyway ,Orca has stepped up to set the trail next week. Fruitcake reminded anyone who was listening that there will be a BASH (Bike Hash) at Batman’s at the end of May for anyone silly enough (like himself) to prefer falling from a significantly higher speed and greater height.

We then repaired to the BBQ, where Batman, emboldened by his new recognition as Minister of Fashion, generously offered his well-cooked sausage to the gathered lovelies.

Raspberry.

On yer bike!

Thanks to Rhino for last week's street r*n around the leafy suburbs of Chudleigh. Obviously a haunt of PF politicians judging from the road repairs and resurfacing that has been going on since last September! Despite the fact that the venue was smack on the largest roundabout on one of Lusaka's biggest and busiest main roads many managed to get lost finding the venue. Hmmmm.

This week back to the Forest Reserve and with Orca as hare there will be no danger of not having enough chalk markings!

The first bike hash (BASH) will take place on May 19th - hared by Fruitcake. Same as hashing but with separate trail (from same venue) for mountain bikers. All those who fancy trying hashing by bike welcome - spread the word. We hope to make this a regular monthly event.

This week's r*n:
R*n No: 1666
Date 5th May 2012
Time:15.00 hours
Hares: Orca and Nipples
Venue: Forest Reserve
Directions: Go down Leopards Hill Road and immediately after the barrier, turn left into State Lodge Road. After 700m turn left again onto the dirt road and look for chalk.

Receding Hare Line:
 

12th May - Titilator (Birthday Girl)
19th May - Condom Man and Fruitcake (with bike hash!)
26th May - Squits and Nellie
2nd June Dreadful and Bento
9th June - HARES REQUIRED
16th June - HARES REQUIRED
23rd June - Single Shot (Birthday Girl) and Money Shot and Dreadful
30th June - Boy Blue
7th July - First Lady and Titilator and Bento
14th July - HARES REQUIRED
21st July - HARES REQUIRED
28th July - Buju and Dreadfull
4th August - Hamster
11th August - HARES REQUIRED
18th August - HARES REQUIRED
25th August - Boy Blue

Condom Man.