I fell into a burning ring of fire...

Date: Saturday, May 19, 2012.

Hares: Condom Man, Fruitcake, Raspberry
Location: The batcave, New Kasama.
Hash Number: 1668.
Attendance: 37 and bikers too!

The first Bash ever was an easily organised affair, and little preparation was effected before the hash. However this did not lead to many c*ck ups at all.
Runners, cyclopaths and ‘that other lot’ all set off in different directions in high spirits and it was nice to see some new faces amongst the crowd. At the back of the running crowd (God knows what was going on at the front- ask Orca!) there was much consternation after the first small bank as we got to the only mountain in Lusaka and had to scurry up the cliff face, crampons and all. Upon reaching the summit, we all paused to have a breather – that sweet mountain air. Unfortunately the other side of the hill was actually in the process of being on fire. Coughing and spluttering, we ran THROUGH ACTUAL FIRE, Titus, like a true hero, carrying the not so brave and fearless Floppy.
Drama over, you might think… But no, fire apparently burns away hash markings so off went Condom Man to find his trail. Off went Orca in the other direction, followed by the pack, who were totally clueless. 15 minutes later, are we going in the right direction? Luckily our expert trail setter Condom Man hallooed us from a nearby valley. The pack turned and headed back the other way. It was all plain sailing after that and not even Spaceman complained about the length of the r*n. Orca and Squits of course ended up going the wrong way, but nobody minded. Maybe it was the right way. We’re still not sure.
Back at the cave, we waited more or less patiently for the intrepid mountain bikers to join us, and eventually we heard the whizz of tyres, the squeak of lycra and the whoof of a puncture – they were back! Now in the safety of a smoke free environment, we all relaxed and looked admiringly at Batman’s exhibits. Tasty.
Titus marked the run generously with a mighty 9 ½ because it had plenty of hazards, even admiring Orca’s added bonus route. Frigid said the streams and hills were rovely, whilst Knee Trembler, sinking the G&Ts, gave the Bash an awesomely spiffing 10/9.
We were overjoyed to see 6 newcomers: Parasite from Jo’burg, Jane with malaria from New York, Christophile a Spanish journalist, Dexter with the fly glasses, Chuck Bottles and international man of mystery Batman’s retired friend (joker, perhaps?). The returners had their go too: Noisy Spice, Stomach, Robin, Singapore, Clara and Peace. The new cyclopaths tried to escape but Craig and Meredith were dragged back to hear some lovely songs about Oz.
Guest RA Princess Fiona named and shamed the relegated pair, Nipples and Child Abuse. Where are the other Bolton fans when you need them? Do they even exist? Doubles continued to be the order of the day with our pair of superheroes, Batman and Robin, followed by hot stuff, Noisy Spice and Spice Girl. Given Princess’ obsession with anything involving a ball, the champion’s league supporters, Buju and Tarzan were next for the down-downs.
Orca and Condom Man were given deserved penalties for ‘such a marvellous trail’. Followed by Knee Trembler, Tarzin and Craig for excessive lycra. HashFash was not impressed. Lycra has no place on people who are not superheroes. Sorry.
Lynsey then got her moment of glory, sweet, sweet moment, and was, with much ceremony, escorted by a doggy entourage, named The Bearded Lady. Because of the durex dogs, geddit?
Announcements were made regarding the Jubilee Hash. Yes, a T-shirt, a dinner, beer and a party all for 50 pin on 9th June. Hurrah!
And so hare and all round guru of the day, Fruitcake, was given the Hash Sh*t accolade, due to his early exit from the Bash on account of a puncture. We thought all the merriment was over. But we were in for a real treat. As Fruitcake stripped off his outer layer, he revealed an excellent Borat-style lycra garment. HashFash takes back everything she said earlier about lycra. Breath-taking.
 
On on! Goodison Two Shoes.