Jubilee Hash Picture Special - June 9th

Jubilee Japes

Date: Saturday, June 9th, 2012.

Hares: G2S, Princess Fiona and Well Thumbed.

Location: Bongwe Barn, Roma.

Hash Number: 1671.

Attendance: A Diamond Jubilee-tastic 60 (+5).

At last, a right royal Roma-side knees-up! Huzzah! Jolly-rah! What what!

On this historic occasion (only 4 days after the actual Diamond Jubilee) crowds flocked to the historic gardens of Bongwe Palace to celebrate 60 years of Queen Elizabeth II and her illustrious husband, Prince Philip ‘The Greek’. The procession of Rav4s (and Toyotas of every other kind) arrived at the fashionable hour of 3 O’Clock amid a fanfare of trumpets and horns. The hordes descended, eager to pick up their limited edition haberdashery, and few were disappointed. Her Majesty made a brief appearance in a range of era-defining outfits, accompanied by her dashing son, Cheeky Charlie.

Finally, after much procrastination, the runners were off. Making a rapid start, Dirty Hobbit and Orca took the lead to much horn blowing. The ascent began but the athletes were all in tip-top form, ready and happy to tackle the most monstrous hills Roma has to offer. Requests for the uphill to cease were pointedly ignored. The first hash hold was well placed in a shady spot, leaving Hazards plenty of time for stretching, hmmmm. At this point, or perhaps at an earlier turning, Fruitcake managed to get himself lost. The police post made an ideal stop to file a missing persons report.

The multitudes paused to admire the views and the excellent off-road opportunities provided by the hares, before sprinting off once more, yes, the downhill had begun. Ditches and bushes were hurdled in spectacular fashion, until finally the hash hold (the one everyone made the trip for) really was ‘just around the corner’.

The cavalcade arrived at Villa Victoria 2, which had been decorated by a Turner-prize-winner whose partiality for bunting and royals was evident. Pimms was quaffed in decadent quantities and the pile of cucumber sandwiches in the shape of a corgi was swiftly demolished. A leisurely promenade brought the troops back to Bongwe, in time to find out that Chipolopolo had won and to get on with watching the rugger.

The sportsmen and women were dragged back in for the customary debriefing. Purple Bush gave the walk a diamond 60/60 for the awfully easy and predictable route, whilst Dirty Hobbit awarded the run a meagre 48/60 with a bonus 10 for the Pimms stop. Quite right, too.

Newcomers shuffled nervously into the circle. Erin from West Philadelphia born and raised, Mary of the USA, Mupi from here and Tanya (another baby-bagger!) were welcomed with aplomb. A glass was raised to a special returner, Matakos, lovely to see her back, and to a not so special one, Dirty Hobbit.

As tradition dictates the first toast favoured the royal visitors, Queen Raspberry, King Fruitcake, Elizabeth R (on the lav) and Princess Fiona, who then took over proceedings. A road run customarily does not provide many challenges, however Duracell and Titus clearly found the terrain little to their liking, and were penalised for their tumbling traumas.

There followed a short advertisement break: Cola Life sachet necklaces, cars on T-shirts all available in your local area. Please see Fruitcake, Raspberry, Titus and Frigid for further details, but remember to check the small-print. Advertising of a different kind was noted on Batman’s artistic French head. Vive la revolution (or not). In a similar vein, the tea-baggers from the other side of the Atlantic, baby baggers and newcomers, were appealed upon to return to the homeland.

Faces were downcast as it was announced that zumbanista Swarfiga was leaving. G2S has been reassured, however, that more Norwegians have been ordered.

The boring ‘thank yous’ to Princess Fiona, G2S, Matoke, Child Abuse, and Well Thumbed lasted a gratifyingly short amount of time and were followed by the exciting announcement that extra T-shirts and LH3 fleeces were available. Due to the recent cold spell, I have worn mine every day for a week and I am pleased to report it has not shrunk yet.

There was only one fitting finale to this fantastic day, the crowning of Hash Sh*t. The hashers heaved a sigh of relief as Titus was rewarded and thanked for sponsoring the T-shirts, with an extra wet thank you from his grateful wife.

There was a stampede of dangerous momentum as LH3 headed for the pig roast, more beer and a blurry end to a jolly Jubilee.

On on! G2S.

Jacknifed lorries and watersports

Date: Saturday, June 2nd, 2012.

Hares: Dreadful and Samuel.

Location: Enoch Kavindele’s land.

Hash Number: 1670.

Attendance: 40

Featuring: Celebrity guests! Fantastic Fashion! Driving Disasters! Awesome Alliteration!

Dreadful and Samuel stepped up this week as hares once again for a ‘not-long, not-short, maybe-medium’ run. Starting in a stunning spot, we began with an inevitable incline. Luckily the trail soon flattened out and we all attempted to follow the terrific trail (I’m not making this up - in fact, someone, possibly a previous hare with an agenda, did comment on the perfection of this location as a hash venue). 

Plenty of checks, many with at least 6 going in each direction (effort to add to the excitement, not poor Maths skills, I’m sure), and some baby-bagging newcomers made this a very entertaining afternoon. Floppy, Moby Dick and Titilator had the best time as they all love water, literally leaping like gazelles over steep stony banks and white-water rapids along the way. Several round-about routes later, and with the happy late addition of Matatu and the gang, we all made it back safe and sound to Hash Beer – hurrah!

Circling up, Mansell and Titus were called on to mark the walk and run respectively. Apparently Golden Shower has a new best mate in Mansell after acting as his ‘crotch’ over some hilly bits. Still, even this didn’t put Mansell off and he gave Dreadful and Samuel a roaring 7 on the rectum scale. Front-runner Titus was almost as generous awarding a fabulous 4 out of 4 for fun times and water sports (I thought that was Golden Shower’s department? – Ed)

The newcomers stepped up next: Elissa Tilly from North Carolina, Ted from Rosedale, Alabama, and Rohan from Greenbow, Alabama, via Tokyo Hash (very generously making others come before himself), all 3 trying to get their unapproved medical research off the ground in Zambia. Babies in Shoprite bags, what could go wrong?! We also met the dashing Toby from London, sporting a rather fetching red and white number (made in Ghana – fancy!).

We realised with joy (and raucous cheering) that Princess Fiona was once again acting guest RA. Poor Titilator and Moby were the first into the circle for their totally rational fear of dogs and water. Milton Keynes lovers (yes, they are out there!) Samuel and Raspberry were penalised for advertising the really rather rubbish town of MK on their illegally obtained Hash T-Shirts and mugs.   Now, we all know that laziness on the Hash does not exist. Nipples will run twice around a trail at Ussein-Bolt-speed before he even begins the walk. So it was only fair that Batman enjoy a down-down after driving all of 5 metres from his house to the Hash venue. He was swiftly followed by Golden Shower and Bell End’s fellow ‘IT worker’ ACDC (Sean). Separated at birth, reunited at last behind wraparound sports shades and Bruce Willis haircuts. Matatu, Deep Throat, Goldilocks, Prince Charming, Shopaholic, DesRes and 3 oxygen thieves made up the rather large band of latecomers working on ZMT (Zambia Maybe Time). And then Purple Bush was in for a treat… Bell End was departing for Russia with (lots of lady) Love. If only we’d known what was under his T-shirt, we’d have got him a new shirt every week! The Harriettes  continued to admire the snazzily dressed Hashers, as Toby stepped up with his very colonial rowing attire, joined by Mansell and Ted for an empire-shorted triple. Another triple followed for the baby-wrapping medics.

Hash Sh* t, who else could it possibly have been? Of course, all round good sport and chardonnay-swilling Bell End! The shirt came off again, whoop! And we wished him a fond farewell.  Usually this would mean excitement over on the Hash but, not today! The former Vice-President, Mr Enoch Kavindele popped around into the circle for a quick beer and traffic update. What a gem! We would have to go the long way home…. However, after some gallant folks got out to push the more rubbish Hashmobiles, the convoy made it out of the forest, past the jack-knifed lorry, and finally out of Bauleni. What a day!

On on! G2S.

Picture Special - Saturday June 2

Condom Man waffles on, unaware of the
impending airstrike...

Sudan? It'll be a walk in the park for Chipolopolo, surely...

Milton Keynes' finest take a down-down...

Holy hash hold, Batman, I don't think much of
this week's guest RA...

He ain't heavy, he's my brother...

Disclaimer: Hash Trash did not act as hash flash this week...

Empire shorts made this hash mighty...

Take it off and put it on, doo-dah!

Welcoming the fresh meat in the only way known...

"We're American too, will they make us do a triple?"

Keen to keep our, ahem, IT technician in Zambia,
Titillator goes down on one knee...

Former vice-president Enoch Kavindele nips
down for a quick beer. He is a hasher through
and through...

The baby baggers sink a Mosi...

Bell End - to Russia with love

Nice one Dreadful and friend – an excellent trail in lovely woodland and a water crossing or two thrown in for good measure.
Afterwards a fun circle led by Ag RA, Princess Fiona, a few new boots who entered into the spirit well, a visitation from the former Vice-President (his younger brother was a co-hare) a sad farewell (in true hash fashion) to Bell End who is on his way to Moscow and for those bitter-enders, an off-road, after dark mystery tour of the less salubrious parts of Baulenie due to the road being blocked by a jacknifed truck. All, really, part of a standard hash afternoon! 
This week – we are entering into the Diamond Jubilee spirit with a celebratory themed r*n from Bongwe Barn in Roma. On the agenda will be a commemorative t-shirt, a “special” wet hold with appropriate treats, plenty beer and a pig roast – all for the incredible 1952-themed price of K50,000 (25 for oxygen thieves). Registrations are strictly on a first cum first served basis so if you turn up late and we have r*n out of shirts then no complaining! Dress code is Red White and Blue!

R*n No: 1671

Date: 9th June 2012

Time: 15.00 hours

Hares: Princess Fiona and G2S

Venue: Bongwe Barn - Ngwesi Road, Roma

Directions: See website www.bongwesafaris.com/barn/directions.php .

Receding Hareline

16th June - HARES REQUIRED
23rd June - Single Shot (Birthday Girl) and Money Shot and Dreadful
30th June - Boy Blue (BYOB)
7th July - First Lady and Titilator and Bento
14th July - HARES REQUIRED
21st July - HARES REQUIRED
28th July - Buju and Dreadful (BYOB)
4th August - Hamster
11th August - HARES REQUIRED
18th August - HARES REQUIRED
25th August - Boy Blue (BYOB) 

Condom Man.